僕は僕が欲しいものなんて知らない　聖北学院大学演劇研究会　入学編

The desire that has been hiding inside me found its way out to dominate my personality. I felt curiosity through my blood. The day that I would wonder who I am finally came- and it is today. 

After so many times enduring and keeping the monstrous desire to eat humans since I was a baby, just spontaneously came, without a fucking warning. I never knew it could become this hard to fight the desire.

It's a red moon when it happens. I was in front of my mirror, staring at the beauty of my fang. My teeth are gritting, my face structure has changed and my nails are continuously growing. When I looked into the mirror again, I realized, I was starting to look like a puppy...

"You're not a puppy, you're a werewolf. We are werewolves," says my talking puppy. My puppy transformed into a soul. Slowly, it became a smoke... only to fill the missing pieces of my personality that I think I have been waiting for my whole life.

I was so lucky we already lived in the wilds. When I growl to attract werewolves nearby, there's got to be a minimal problem. And I fucking love the feeling of being free to express. The worst it could happen is if my parents got scared of me and hand me to the police.

"Terrence? Is that you?" my mom yelled from the outside of my room.

"Yes, mom. I think I'll be gone for the rest of the night. Go to bed first, I need to fulfill my destiny."

I don't usually rule my powers. Such a kid like me was raised to become prim and proper. But not today.

As soon as I said those, I flee through the window. The blood flowing through my veins now feels more powerful. Now I feel more like a werewolf. This is what I have been waiting for... the one thing that could fill the missing puzzle of my heart.

I found a human collecting some firewood using his axe. He accidentally hurt his hand and blood suddenly dripped. I licked my lips as I saw him. The desire activated my inner wolf. I couldn't help but attacked the man, scratched his face, took his heart, eat his liver, and sip his blood. Damn, I love this.

As I finished eating him, I growled. I felt like I was the most powerful, but I need more.

"Terrence..."

When I looked, it was mom, covering her mouth- shocked at what she just witnessed. Isn't this natural for a werewolf? What is there to be scared about? 

This is what I hate about having intensified senses, especially the sense of hearing. I could hear them even if I refuse not to. That unnecessary noise...

"Why? Did I miss something? I clearly told you to go to bed early," I said.

My mom and dad are not feeling good about this. They looked so mad. I can tell, even in the middle of silence.

Dad grabbed my hand and hit me wherever his hand landed. As for my mom, instead of stopping dad from what he was doing to me, she just crossed her arm across her chest while giving me a disappointed look. 

My tears run down my cheeks. Among the three of us, if there'll be someone who has the right to be disappointed, it was ME! This is what I also hate! Werewolves are more dramatic than humans.

"M-mom..." I uttered, asking for her help hopelessly. But she's not listening to me.

Honestly, the way dad hit me, nothing hurts physically. Instead, it feels like my parents strike me emotionally. Even though I didn't want it, I have to go on my way. I was just a werewolf for them, wasn't I?

I laughed internally. Now, just like a rebel child, I run. I run into the middle of the forest where a lot of animals do wander- the most dangerous ones. Who cares if I come across any of them?! 

Although tiredness won't really visit me, I had to stop. I want to stop. That's when the voice inside my head spoke.

"Do you want to see something more magical? Do you want to leave this place and go into a place you'll absolutely love?"

Am I asking myself or not?

"If you do, go into that tree. That's where your foster parents found you. That's where you came from. If you're thinking you're different, yes, you are."

Even though I don't have any idea who is speaking, I still responded.

"What do you mean?"

"It's a portal to go into another world."

"W-what?! Wait, who are you? Are you living inside me? Are you a human?" I ask foolishly. And after I did that, I give myself a knock on the head. What a fool.

"Yeah, you're a fool. Have you forgotten? I was your puppy. I was disguised as a puppy. Now that you freed yourself through your curiosity, you, as a werewolf, are finally skinned. And I am your guide- for now."

I could never smile this wide again. Although I'm still having doubts, I had to try. There's no point in asking if I'm not even trying to know, or dying to try.

"Be careful, or you die."

As soon as the little guide inside my head spoke, the portal opened. It glowed blue, it looks like the ocean was positioned horizontally. I'm starting to love the look of it. This is where the doubts stopped. I just entered the portal. There's a threat of closing it permanently, but it's okay.

Blades went straight into my face as soon as I went in. It draws beautifully as if it makes sure this wound will stay as a scar forever. I was just here for a few minutes, yet, threats to my life are already living. It was chaotic inside. There was a war happening. There's blood, a bow and arrows, and the main character- werewolves. I can't take it! I have to go back!

"Terrence."

It spoke again.

"Stop it, pup! Don't try to convince me!"

"I'm not a puppy anymore. I grow too, like a real puppy. Besides, I'm your guide, assigned by your real mother. Don't come back to the human world. You're already here."

"I can't..."

The voice inside my head keeps on pestering me not to leave. But I couldn't help to get scared. I couldn't afford to see a war alone without my parents! So I go back to where I came from. When I was about to run away, I left a mark on the tree so I could be able to come back when I decided to.

My parents are worried sick. But again, my father hit me, and my mom yelled at me. This world seems to fit into what I wanted to have. But my expectations had been torn up by the ones whom I adore the most- my parents.

I tried so hard to keep the pain and tears inside me, while also having these strange thoughts inside my head to go back and find out where I belong. No matter how chaotic that place is, it can't be compared to what I've been experiencing inside this house. It's hellish here.

--

While knitting some of mom's dresses, that thoughts came up into my head too.

"I already told you, Terrence. It's better to stay where you do belong."

The puppy spoke again. It activated my impulsiveness.

"You think so?" I asked.

"Absolutely."

"Then let's go back."

I run away through the window. I feed my curiosity once again, and it feels so satisfying. Every time I stepped, every tree I passed, this wide smile couldn't go away. It stayed like glue. Now, I could say, I'm ready.

--

When I stepped foot into the werewolf realm, it was different. There's total silence, could be deafening, at least for me. I wandered around the place, only to receive the same wound to my face. The silence could be more terrifying than the loud noise... and I just proved it today.

A male werewolf is dying to catch a female werewolf who is already bathed in blood. He is running to chase the woman even though she clearly looked weak. How did I know? Because they looked like a fool, running in circles as if they consider the other lands or places they might disturb. Apparently, they keep their zone in one place to hurt one another, to keep the chaotic scene within one place.

What scares me the most is the man because of the axe he is holding in his hand. I covered my mouth, just to feel the falling tears in my eyes. The man's eyes looked so enchanted.

"You're weak," says the wolf inside my head.

"Yes, I am. I'm such a weak werewolf. I won't deny it!" I say, letting all the tears out.

That gave me an adrenaline rush. Before, it was just curiosity. But right now, I feel myself much more.

"There, there..."

The puppy inside of me now went out. It transformed back into its original puppy body. After that, the body was left without a soul, because the soul has been eaten by me. My eyes changed their colors within the timeframe of eating the wolf's soul. My teeth gritted after finishing the eating period. This is the first time I felt so alive- when I felt more like a werewolf than a human.

"Now we're one," I uttered, completely feeling myself. This is the real me, I guess? Through my veins, bones, blood, and even with other physical features of mine, every inch of me is a werewolf.

But I was reckless and foolish to decide of helping the woman werewolf. I don't know who I am yet and how far I can go. I don't know the abilities I could possess. Yet, I attacked the man who was holding an axe.

"Damn you! Leave her alone!" I yelled.

Our eyes met. I have never felt so cold in my whole life. Without doing anything, I could feel like he was freezing me inside when he don't. I hate my hallucinations, but I guess I have to live with them.

When the man didn't mind me and still went after the woman, someone grabbed me and covered my mouth. I struggled, trying to release myself. I tried it so hard, however, this werewolf who covered my mouth would not budge. Now, there's nothing I can do. The woman is already dead, and I was left here, dumbfounded.

I yelled. This is sickening. I hate to just watch the girl die and I did nothing.

Slowly, I walked near the girl. Just when I was about to see her face, the one who covered my mouth came in and dragged my hands out there. She was an old lady. But her strength is still incredible. Without looking at her face, I could say that she was still a young lady.

"Stop right there," I said. "I am not going anywhere. I'll save the girl and that's when I can say I'm ready to leave."

The old lady looked at me bluntly. There are a lot of words screaming in my head, and I wanted to say them badly. How come I couldn't after meeting her eyes?

"Even if you try to save her, that won't change, she's already dead. Look, her soul is wandering, waiting for the grim reaper to collect or reap her soul."

My brows furrowed. I was already enchanted by her look, but what she just said made my curiosity dig down a deeper hole.

"What are you talking about? You mean, her soul could be a sinner?"

"No one could say, only the grim reaper would know," she replied and grabbed my hand again.

"Where are you taking me?" I ask.

"Home. You shouldn't be here and witness random deaths, especially that girl's death. To avoid problems, go home, child. Everything happens for a reason."

I looked at her, totally confused. I don't know what she is talking about, or how did she know I did not originally belong here. But she gives me the creeps.

"I don't want to," I said, grabbing back my hand from her grip, causing her to stop walking. "This is my life, and this is where I want to go."

"You're just ten!"

"Who cares about age? Even here, you're still discriminating against young ones? Forbidding them to decide on their own as if they didn't own their life? You can guide me, but never mandate me. You, grown-ups, aren't supposed to live as a threat to the young ones. Because of you, I wanted to stay ten years old for the rest of my life."

I thought she would get scared of me, but she didn't.

"Oh, you wanted to decide recklessly on your own? Is that it? Come on!"

She grabbed my hands again with a stronger grip this time. When we were near the portal, it closed. Oh god, I felt so damn happy. But again, I couldn't express it.

"Chandra! When are we leaving this place?" some kid spoke. I roamed my eyes and find for the girl. It didn't take that long before I saw her.

"No, we're stuck here. Let's wait for a week and the portal might open. For now, this boy right here will live with us," she said. She turned her face into me, fixed my hair, and looked at the girl. "You boy will live with us for a week. That wouldn't hurt. For sure, within that timeframe, you will lose the spark or the desire to live here. You'll get hurt if you still insist, kid. And by the way, that girl is Amara, she's my grandchild."

Our eyes met. I feel the chill inside me. There was a different meaning when I locked my gaze on her. It's like the world stopped spinning. A connection! There's a connection.

'Who are you?' I asked through my head and did not bother on asking it verbally. But I was shocked when she responded.

'I'm Amara. You? Why are you here? Why are you bringing this strange feeling?'

I covered my mouth. I can't believe it. She could hear my thoughts. So, should I stop thinking about her?

She rolled her eyes. W-wait... did she hear what I just said?

"What are you doing? Why are you looking at each other without a word?" asks Chandra, but both of us did not budge. We won't stop staring and talking through our thoughts... even though she is a bit grumpy.

After a few minutes of staring contest, her head hurts. Her body dropped to the ground. Still, I'm not bothering to move or try to check on her. What if he is just playing pranks? She's just a kid, a ten-year-old kid, I know what runs through her mind. But I was wrong.

Chandra saw Amara on the ground, hurting. She was scared and shocked as well.

"Go upstairs. You might not want to see what will happen to her," says Chandra while looking at me.

That gives light into the darkness of this situation. Something is happening to her so she's the one who takes care. But what is it? I want to know- I'm dying to know. 

'Are you a werewolf?' I asked through my mind again, even though there was a -0.9 percent of probability for her to hear me within the period of hurting her head. But I was right... she could still hear me.

She fought the sickening headache and looked at me sharply, like a horrifying tiger, or a venomous cobra... she didn't hesitate to look at me only to give me a scary look. Then she answered me, 'Don't you dare ask me such vulgar questions, or you will regret meeting me, kid.'

Instead of feeling anxious or scared, I smiled. She gives me goosebumps and curiosity as well. She makes me wonder who she is. While she is still looking at me sharply, I also glared at her.

'Let's see who will regret... kid.'